Dating Violence What It Is, and How You Can Help

Read Dating Violence: What It Is, and How You Can Tell, to understand the dynamics of dating violence.

How Can I Tell If My Daughter or Son is Being Abused?

Your teen has bruises, bite marks, black eyes or other unexplained physical injuries.
Your teen is spending less time with other friends.
Your teen is no longer participating in activities.
Your teen is unwilling to discuss her or his dating relationship.
Your teen is withdrawn.
Your teen is evasive when talking about the relationship.
Your teen is spending a lot of time alone.
Your teen seems nervous or anxious when the phone rings.

How Can I Help a Daughter or Son Who is Being Abused?

Talk to your teen and be nonjudgmental when discussing the abuse. Be supportive and listen. Remember that it may be difficult for them to talk about the abuse. It’s very important that they feel safe to express their feelings, fears, and thoughts.
Resist the impulse to order your teen to stay away from their abusive boyfriend or girlfriend.
That will only push them even closer to their abuser, and convince them that you don’t really understand. It also makes it harder for them to come to you for support later when they do want to leave their abusive relationship.
Let your teen know that you believe him/her.
Tell her or him that it is not their fault– the abuser, not the victim, is responsible for the abuse.
Express your understanding, care, concern and support. Don’t be afraid to let them know that you are concerned for their safety. Let them know that violence under any circumstance is unacceptable.
Help them recognize the abuse. Tell them what you see going on and that you want to help.
Help them recognize that they do not deserve to be abused, that what is happening is not "normal" and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.
Acknowledge that they are in a difficult and scary situation. Encourage their strength, courage, and ability to know what’s good for them. Let them know they are not alone.
Point out their talents, good qualities and strengths. He or she may not see his or her own abilities and gifts due to the effects of the abuse, which drastically lowers their self-esteem.
Encourage them to do things with you and other friends and family and to take part in other activities outside of the relationship.
Make it clear that you will be there for them, and help them sort out their options, no matter what they decide.
Respect their decisions. Be non-judgmental. Do not make your teen feel bad for their choices, even if you think those choices are wrong. Don't try to make them do anything they aren’t comfortable doing.
Your teen may break up with and go back to the abuser many times. Do not criticize them for doing that. Do not blame them if they are abused again. Your teen will need your support even more during those times.
Do not give up on your teen. Continue to check in and be there for her or him, no matter what she or he does, or how much they may deny any abuse.
If they break up with the abuser, continue to be supportive of him or her. Even though the relationship was abusive, they will probably feel sad and lonely when it is over. They may even be tempted to get back together with the abuser, and will especially need your support at that time.
Make sure your teen has our 24-hour crisis line number (272-3467). Let them know that they don’t have to give us their name to get help or information. (We are mandated reporters, so if your teen is under 18, and gives us their full name, we do need to report any physical abuse.)
Help them develop a safety plan.
Encourage them to talk to other people who can give them help and guidance. Offer to go with them to find a counselor or support group, or to talk to friends or teachers. If they go to the police, to court, or to see a lawyer, offer to go along, but let them do the talking.
Remember that you cannot "rescue" your teen. You should be there to support them and to help them find their own way to escape the abuse and be safe.
Leaving an abusive relationship is often a very difficult and frightening experience. On average it takes a victim in an abusive relationship 7-10 times to leave their abuser before they finally leave for good.

Things Not to Say or Do
(from Teen Dating Violence, CVPC, Office of the Attorney General)

Don’t be critical of them or their partner.
Don’t ask blaming questions such as: What did you do to provoke him/her? Why don’t you just break up with him/her?
Don’t assume that they want to break up. Don’t act like you know what is best for them.
Don’t pressure them to make quick decisions. They need to figure things out at their own pace.

Relationship Bill of Rights
This is helpful to remind you and your teen that they have a right to have a healthy relationship, and what it should be like.