Quiz: Are You a Controller?

Sometimes, we can feel that others cause our problems. You may also think that others can cause you to act in a violent or controlling way, because of what they do or don’t do. If that is the case, you might not realize that you have a problem that only you can change. Take this quiz to see if this describes your behavior:

Do you feel jealous often? Are you jealous of other people in your partner’s life? Do you want your partner to only be with you?
Do you believe that you should be in control, and be able to tell your girlfriend/boyfriend what to do?
Do you constantly question your partner about phone calls, conversations, and whereabouts? Do feel you have a right to make them account for every moment they are away from you?
Do you feel that you have the right to tell your partner what to do, who to talk to, where to go, or what to wear?
Do you often make jokes, criticize or insult your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Do you give your partner ultimatums? Do you make them choose between you and other things in their life?
Have you ever pressured your partner to have sex, even when they said they didn’t want to?
Do you take your anger out on things in front of your partner? For example, have you broken things, punched things, or thrown things when you are angry?
Do you have a “short temper”? Is it worse when you drink or use drugs?
Have you grabbed, pushed, slapped, or hit your partner? Even once?
Have you ever threatened to hurt them? Or threatened to kill yourself if they leave you?
After a fight, do you make excuses for your behavior (“I didn’t mean to yell at you—I just had a bad day”)?
Do you blame others for your feelings? (“It’s Jim’s fault I’m so angry—he told me you were talking to that guy…”)
If you hurt your partner, do you blame him/her, or feel that he/she deserved it?
Do you believe that women are inferior to men? Do you believe that a woman is a man’s property?

If you answered yes to two or more of these, then you are an abuser. It’s hard to explain why a person might be cruel or violent to someone they love, and there is no single explanation for it. Some causes are:

Violence During Childhood
Boys who were abused as children or who saw their mothers being abused are more likely to abuse their girlfriends, wives or children. They have learned from this to blame others for their problems, and that it’s okay to release anger and tension by exploding and losing their tempers. Girls who were abused as children or who saw their mothers being abused often accept violence as a normal part of a relationship.

Difficulty Dealing with Insecurity or Anger
Guys or girls who are abusive to their girlfriends or boyfriends are often afraid that their girlfriends or boyfriends will leave them, so they have a hard time trusting them. Because of the lack of trust, they try to control them instead: usually through intimidation, making them feel less confident, keeping them away from other friends, or physical violence. Guys or girls who have an explosive temper usually don’t know how to talk about their feelings. They don’t realize how upset and afraid their girlfriends or boyfriends can feel when they lose their temper and explode.

Social Pressure
In our society, men and women learn mistaken ideas of what is normal in a relationship from what they see in movies, television, and advertising. Men also get the message that they are supposed to be strong and in control, and that they must hide any feelings of insecurity or vulnerability.

What should you do if you have a problem with violent behavior?

Admit that you have a problem, and that it is wrong. You CAN choose not to abuse.
Take responsibility for your actions. No one can make you become angry or violent – you are the only person that can control your behavior.
Seek help. Call our 24-hour line (530-272-3467) to talk, or for referrals to an anger management group.
No matter how angry your girlfriend/boyfriend may make you feel, it is never okay to hurt them – violence is against the law.
Respect yourself for taking full responsibility for your behavior.